|
What’s
Shame Doing to Our Men?
by
Wayne M. Levine, M.A.,
Director
West Coast Men’s Center, Agoura Hills
What is shame? To understand
what shame is, it’s important to delineate between shame and
guilt. Guilt is when you feel you’ve done something wrong.
Shame is when you feel there’s something wrong with you.
A significant distinction.
Where does shame come from? Shame comes from the lessons we
learn while growing up. Shame develops over time as we’re told
that what we’re doing, what we’re feeling, how we’re expressing
ourselves, or what our dreams are is somehow wrong,
unacceptable, "not what’s done in this house," or "not what good
little boys do."
But when we, as little boys, continue to have those feelings,
continue to want to behave like boys, or express ourselves as we
see fit, or dream those unacceptable dreams, we eventually come
to believe that there must be something wrong with us.
The little boys then grow up.
We become men who believe there’s something wrong with us. We
can become angry, depressed and lonely. We can become
over-achievers, absent fathers, and unhappy men. Tragically,
all this pain is suffered because of the misguided belief that
there is something wrong with who we are. All of this
pain is caused by shame.
By the time most men find their way to counseling, or other form
of support, shame has taken a devastating toll of their lives
and on the lives of the people they love and who love them. The
good news is, men can shed the shame they’ve been
carrying—through the support of other men.
In individual mentoring, in men’s groups and
through experiences like our BetterMen® Weekends, men’s lives
can change dramatically. Men come to find that not only are
they not alone in carrying the shame, but that with strong and
trusting relationships with other men, they learn that there’s
actually nothing "wrong" with who they are and how they feel.
In time, self-esteem increases and relationships throughout the
man’s life improve.
The fathering energy that comes from a mentor, or
from other committed men participating in a men’s group, has the
power to help men make important changes in their lives; changes
to become the best father, husband, son, brother, friend,
co-worker, boss or mentor they can be. That means wives,
children, co-workers and neighbors are all positively affected
by the work men do to shed the shame and to become the best men
they can be. Maybe you’re one of these men. Maybe you have a
man like this in your life. Perhaps it’s time to introduce that
man to possibilities he may have never imagined; the
possibilities that arise when men reach out and get the support
of other men.
Wayne M. Levine, M.A. is
director of the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills. |
