THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
A MAN CAN ASK HIMSELF?

by
Wayne M. Levine, M.A.
June 2002

There is a single question a man can ask himself to "check" how he is doing in important relationships.

There are also a number of other important questions that we ask ourselves as men, often in moments of weakness, doubt or even clarity.  Perhaps some of these will be familiar to you

·         Am I working hard enough?

·         Am I making enough money?

·         Am I happy?

·         Why do I stay in a house, lifestyle or career that’s no longer working for me?

·         Why am I not happy?

·         Should I exercise more?

·         What happened to my old buddies?

·         Why am I so angry?

·         Why am I so afraid to change?

·         Why am I so lonely?

·         Why does my marriage suck?

·         Why would I rather argue with my wife than make love to her?

·         Why can’t I stop this addiction with work, alcohol, drugs or exercise?

·         Why am I drawn to internet porn, erotic massages or hookers even though I feel terrible when I’m done?

·         Why do I feel like such a failure?

·         Why do I have such a hard time loving, playing or just being with my kids?

·         Why do I feel it’s unmanly to ask for help?

These truly are important questions.  And if some of them have crossed your mind, congratulations.  You have begun the process of looking inward, trying to improve yourself and your relationships.

But there is one question that can help you to determine whether, in any given moment, you are being the father, husband, son, brother, friend, co-worker, boss or mentor you want to be.

Am I being the best man I can be?

When you’re in the middle of a senseless argument with your wife, ask yourself, "Am I being the best husband I can be right now?"  When you’re inappropriately angry with your kids for doing just what kids do, ask yourself, "Am I being the best dad I can be right now?"  When you see a friend in pain but you’re too uncomfortable to "get involved," ask yourself, "Am I being the best friend I can be right now?"  If you have the courage, in those moments, to reflect on your feelings, actions or reactions, you have the courage to make significant changes in your life.  

That’s why we’ve opened our doors at the West Coast Men’s Center in Agoura Hills, CA.  We’re here to offer support to men who want to be the best men they can be.  In fact, our goal is: Making Good Men Better.  Despite how you may feel about yourself at your worst moments, we know you’re a good man.  And you know that about the other men in your life despite what they tend to tell themselves at their worst moments.

We’re all trying our best and we all have obstacles in our way.  The truth is that most men, despite what you may believe, share those same obstacles with you.  But they’ll usually never let you know about it.  Why should they?  Why should they trust you, or any other man for that matter?  Unfortunately, that’s the hostile environment men find themselves in these days.  At the West Coast Men’s Center, we want to change that.

We want you to know that the most important thing you need to do, no matter your specific goals, is to have men in your life.  You NEED men whom you can trust and who can trust you to be there and to be supportive.  The fathering we get from other committed men is something we can never get from women, even from the most loving and giving of women.  Boys need their fathers and men need their fathers too.  As we get older, we find that we can father each other, once we get a little insight and guidance.

At the West Coast Men’s Center, we offer men’s teams to provide that support and guidance to men who want to make important changes in their lives, who want to be the best men they can be.  We offer mentoring for our men and their loved ones.  We also offer a series of retreats including the BetterMen® Brass Nuts Weekend: An Initiation for Men, the BetterMen® Father/Son Legacy Weekend, and the BetterMen® Dad/Daughter Adventure.

Consider the men in your life whom you care about.  Have you watched as they’ve fallen deeper and deeper into trouble, debt, depression, fear, anxiety, addiction, or some other self-destructive behavior?   Have you reached out to them?  Have you found yourself feeling helpless to help them, their wives or their children?

You’re not helpless. You have great power.  Offer your support. Share your honest concern with them.  Have the courage to risk your relationship with them if it means, potentially, saving their lives.  Tell them that there’s help out there.  Encourage them to make a phone call.  If they don’t live in this area, encourage them to find a resource in their neighborhood.  There are men willing to help other men all over the country.

Good luck to you and to your friends as you all do the important work to be the best men you can be.  It’s good for you.  It’s good for your family.  It’s good for our communities.

Here’s to the men!